Emo status

Friday was not as tough as today.

The first chance she got when we went into the classroom, Yonseili let Carmen know that it was our last day there.  Carmen wanted to know why and asked, "¿Que, ya se desilusionaron?"  She took the words out of my mouth.  Yonseili had looked back at me and I looked at Carmen, "Honestamente si estamos desilusionadas en la fundacion."  She wanted to know why but we told her 2 or 3 times it was best after class.  Knowing her, we'd be sharing everything with the entire class and it was a matter to be talked about outside the classroom...something she obviously has no idea about.  I was so shut down, unmotivated.  I had nothing in me to really give anything today.  Yes I helped, but I was not myself today.  I know that if I would continued with the project, I would not give 100%.  The kids deserve that and more at the very least.  I was sad to look at them and feel like I couldn't help them.  If the head of the foundation is not functioning correctly, how are temp's going to help?  If the people who are with them everyday, all day, and for years, cannot give them a good example then how could volunteers do it within a month?  There is a psychologist paid for by the foundation for the kids so that the parents could take them on Saturdays.  You think the parents take them?  I think you know the answer.  I will never forget these kids.  I won't forget the kids I see working on the streets, the emptiness I see in them.  I won't forget.  I hope that we were able to move something in them in the two weeks we were here.  I hope they grow up to be considerate, respectful, loving, educated adults with a bright future.

There was an eerie feeling today in the classroom.  Did the kids know something was up?  I know so.  When we decided to leave, Yonseili told Carmen and I told the kids.  I will never forget Henry's face or Marlon's comment when I said it.  Henry looked up shocked and bummed but immediately looked down as if he was scared to show a 'weakness.'  Marlon said in a low voice, looking down at his paper, that he didn't want us to leave.  It breaks my heart all over again as I write this.  I wish I could save them all.  Then they all hugged us and we stepped outside to talk to Carmen.

Carmen made excuses.  Again, not surprised.  We explained to her why we were unhappy/disappointed with the foundation and also some of her actions.  These kids have enough bullsh*t to deal with at home, I hate to see them deal with any other little thing at a place where they are supposed to have the most love, where they're supposed to be getting taught values.  Before leaving she said she'd like to see us go back because we are leaving her with an emptiness.  She looked like she wanted to cry and also as if she was nervous.  I was thinking she was either really sad with the situation, or scared she'd get in trouble...My gut feeling is the second thought.

...

We got home pretty upset and so unmotivated.  I just wanted to fall asleep, maybe cry a little.  I was on my bed laying down next to Yonseili while she was on the computer.  My host mom was trying to encourage us to go out and do something so we wouldn't be so miserable.  I covered myself with my brown blanket, bought for me from my parents whenever I needed to get cozy... that's all I wanted to do to forget what just happened.  "Solo se va a deprimir si se cubre con esa cobija cafe," is what Adriana kept telling me.  So, I said I would cover myself with the orange cover on my bed...

The ladies convinced me to go out for pizza and instead of Hornero we ended up at Ch Farin.  Very good place and very good pizza.  We each got a small pizza that had 8 slices and I ate 6.  My topping was ham.  When we got there I went to the restroom to wash my hands.  As soon as I walked in I was startled buy a guy who came in to put a piece of paper on a door to say he cleaned it.  What is up with this?  Little things like this make me miss back home.

When we returned I worked on my final paper.  The rest of the evening wasn't too eventful, but we did decide to go to the market the next day bright and early.

Highlight of the day: No comment.